Coldplay, And Other Things I Can’t Orgasm To – Expertly Elucidated by @jessbytheway

 

Disclaimer: This is MY truth, not THE truth.

Let’s face it: every man and woman knows when an orgasm is absolutely out of the question. Here are some things that are guaranteed to put my orgasm well out of reach

1. Coldplay – This isn’t a personal attack on the band. In fact, in some situations, Coldplay is the perfect fix. All I’m saying is that during sex (and the like), Coldplay is just a little too, “Poor, precious Christ Martin” for orgasm to take place. You see, as a woman, all it takes is a little tiny trail and your brain is off and wondering “Why didn’t he and Gwyneth work out? I bet it was his fault. He didn’t ever recognize her talents…I mean, why didn’t her gorgeous voice ever grace a Coldplay album?” See what I did there? I took some beautiful music and I used it to beat the shit out of my orgasm. Now, my orgasm is sad and won’t look at me.

2. Thirst – Females, how many orgasms have you had when you were plastered? I bet it’s ZERO. Know why? Because you’re dehydrated! A female orgasm takes a lot of “just right” conditions, and when you’re thirsty, you can bet you’ll be “almost there” for good.

3. The urge to use the restroom – In order to achieve the female orgasm, the pleasurable feeling has to far exceed any other feelings or urges…that includes the urge to relieve yourself. If you have to GO, you definitely won’t be GOing anywhere on the Orgasm Express.

4. Eye contact during head – This could be a “just me” thing.  And if so, let me know and I’ll bring it up with my therapist. I just CAN’T when a guy looks up at me while traveling to the Netherlands. I mean, it’s not a fear of intimacy, it’s the creepy, possessive look a guy gets. If you’re looking up at me during and that’s your thing, you can pretty much just swear off oral sex for the rest of our relationship. Don’t worry though, I’ll tell you,  “it just doesn’t get me off…it never has”, or something else incredibly sweet and impersonal. But really, it’s you. It’s your creepy eyes.

5. Crying – Now this, I know goes for men and women. Crying is never invited to the boner party. If you’re crying, there are probably some things you need to unpack, but they aren’t going to help me unpack this orgasm.

6. Unfortunate sounds – Almost every woman I know hates going anywhere near the weight room at the gym. Why? It’s not because we don’t have the desire to tone our arms and stare at ourselves in the mirror. It’s because there are “men” in there making noises that make us picture horrible things. It’s these same sounds that can completely deflate our proverbial boners in the bedroom. By all means, enjoy yourself, but if it takes you sounding like a dying ape penguin to achieve climax, don’t count on us reaching the same goal.

Jessica Hartman makes her living writing copy and generating clickable content. She is also quite fabulous at being as flighty as I am.

Jessica Hartman makes her living writing copy and generating clickable content. She is also quite fabulous at being as flighty as I am.

Alright, this is a completely inappropriate first post. What are some boner killers for you?

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  1. Come Hither Orgasms, Lest We Have To Talk About Their Absence | Big Blue Dot Y'all - July 15, 2014

    […] my dear darling Jessica shared her musings about some of the things that chase her orgasm into deep space, I thought it might be helpful to […]

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